Trust

Well, after three days, the man who stood me up finally called…to reveal “he wasn’t feeling well on Saturday.” Needless to say, this defense was less than sufficient.

However, in an attempt to be resilient, the immense reevaluation that is rendered from moments like this in a relationship are absolutely invaluable, even if they never produce any clear absolutes. I found myself Monday morning, still sans phone call, thinking, ’Okay, so if I never hear from this guy again, what do I take away from all this?’ And despite scanning my entire heart for a lesson learned, I still haven’t found any answers. I did, however, find another question: When is it okay to trust someone?

I decided to explore this question today when I was on the bus with a woman I regard here as A Golden Person, meaning somebody I have found to be incredible in the way they live their life, thus forever elevating my standard of living. And truly, this woman has an inspiring spirit, encapsulating great compassion everyday, despite tribulations I cannot even comprehend in my twenty-two years of life. As with every conversation I have with this woman, I was sure I would gain some new insight.

I began telling her my situation, sparing no details about everything this man did that made me think he was trustworthy. On and on I went about our conversations, our adventures, even the look in his eyes that made me so sure that he was a sincere man of genuine character. I mean, this man had been one of my best friends here for the last two months, how could he possibly tell me he wants to see me and then not call for three days with no consideration of my feelings. AND THEN to tell me the reasons for his actions were that he just simply didn’t feel good…who is this guy?!

And then, in the mists of my rant, a sharp realization stopped me, I was speaking to a woman who’s husband decided to have an affair after fifteen years of marriage.

This realization froze my flow of words and all I could do was look at this incredible woman, whose eyes have never lost their warm, inviting gleam in all the time I have known her. I stared at her for what must have been five minutes before I mustered under my breath the question, “How do you survive?” And for a minute I noticed her strong, but kind eyes, change to reveal what I would label as human vulnerability.

She told me she survives by taking in the small joys in life, everyday picking out the small trinkets that make life beautiful. Then, she looked at me and stated very matter-of-factly, “I am happy when I am doing what I enjoy doing.” A simple, but powerful phrase, because within this phrase the source of your happiness is simply yourself.

I made a promise to myself about a year ago that I would never lose my faith in love. No matter how many heartbreaks I go through, I will always find a way to someday enter again into a relationship with a willingness to once again try to truly care for another person to the best of my ability. Grant it, this is exactly why I don’t love often. However, realizing the fact that I am young and my heart has many risks to extract from, my principle love is myself and for the rest of my time here in Mexico, I will exercise doing what I enjoy doing.